10:59 p.m. - 2006-09-04
another rap about working for moolah but really who am i kidding
Write about something that upsets you
I am not upset.
I am feeling a calm, the kind that comes when you�re resigned, knowing that there is nothing you can do to erase the past, to change anything in any way, it sounds positive but really, the kind of calm when you�re resigned to doing nothing about yourself is really harmful,
you�re too detached; you detach yourself simply because you plunge yourself into the flow of everyday life, letting yourself be pushed and swept by the currents of duties, responsibilities, things that make you do things, being busied, so that you will have no time, no energy - an excuse you make up so that you won�t have to do anything�
a false belief that things will change, that you will improve, that hope is near, hope is near simply because you naively and mainly, lazily, dream that fate will be good to you, that everything else (in the past) was a test, a bath of fire, a trial of your mettle, and that you will emerged scarred but braver, tougher, stronger, wiser, well-deserved to receive the blessed gifts, fruits of your �labour�, rewards for your self-flagellating torture, and depression.
You are wrong.
But not entirely so, if your hope is grounded, because right now, if you set yourself to a task, a task I can�t name for you, for it�s so personal that only you would recognize its importance, a task which you can�t possibly plan the conclusion about, the magical happy ending is elusive and vague, a life of riches and fame, the wonderful world of comfort;
your task might not get you the kind of success you always selfishly craved,
But if you follow your heart true enough, to learn to listen to hear what it needs, you may by some pure stroke of luck, (and blessed are those with luck), stumble and grow, grow to become someone that fulfils the task and is cheered by its fulfillment, bit by bit until one day you are sure of its completion.
Then you realize: you are not so detached from the work of your self.
And an even better realization:
that there is such a thing as the work of your self,
besides what you always saw - the work of collecting money and attention.
The dangers of working is when the work of collecting money binds you, and blinds you to everything else.
