8:16 p.m. - 2006-10-03
another dream
i dreamt of father early this morning, at the tail end of a long forgotten clouded wisp of a dream that probably went on through the night, i dreamt that i met father in our living room, he was skinny, in a long-sleeved shirt, black pants and a hat; in another version of my pieced-together memory, he was in a t-shirt...
i asked him why he was dressed so well... i can't remember clearly what he replied, but the answer was unrelated to my question because i think he said, "if you guys live well and proper, i would not be upset."
He said that and looked at me for a moment, and i digested what he said quietly.
Before i could say anything, everything sort of went white, it wasn't a flash of white, it was a slow and dense white cloud that covered, and i awoke.
The sky was still dark purple, but i can feel that sunrise was not far away, as there was a certain tint in the uneven hues.
i tried to go back to sleep and return to the dream, but it was futile, a failed attempt to see and talk to him more, even though i knew it was all in my mind.
recently, i sometimes think of the past, almost with a bitter and angry sulk, it feels as if all the best and happiest years of life are gone, the festive seasons, the family celebrations, even if "celebrate" wasn't a really apt word to use for us, and my family wasn't the enthusiastic birthdays-with-cakes-candles kind, i still feel or believe that we were once loving, that there were moments when we laughed in front of the television set, when we ate dinner together, when we watched some late night vampire movie, urging my parents to stay up with us, and when the show is over, we switched off the lights in the living room, and walked back to the bedroom, and slept together, my parents on beds, and me and my brother on mattresses spread on the floor, a certain sense of satisfaction and contentment settled around us...
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this morning, before i went to work, i told mom about the dream. She was very interested to know what happened, what my father looked liked, and what he said. In some stubborn manner, our minds liked to believe that he was still alive, even though in a funny spirit way (if you think about it). And for us, even these little vague half-remembered (and most times illogical) dreams mean a lot.
this evening, as i returned home from work, and i laid on the sofa reading the newspaper while mom watched the tv and laughed out loud to the funny taiwanese variety show; when the show ended, she told me about her dream of father, two nights ago.
She said she saw him shirtless. Maybe a little raggedy, like his later years when the long illness and pain reduced him, he was skinny and could only walk around in the house, and couldnt bathe because the water was hell to his body and the constant 5 o'clock shadow of a beard on his face.
my mom, she said she prayed to the altar, she said, "i burnt so many clothes for you, why don't you wear them, why do you go around shirtless?"
to my mom and me, my dream this morning made sense, why he was better dressed... - and we are left with nothing but more thoughts of my father.
