9:33 p.m. - 2002-07-22
monologues of the ------- first section.
the ugly swan thing speaks in humor about herself
have you heard of the ugly duckling story? my story is the opposite...i am the story of the swan who grew up into an ugly swan thing. This kind of thing is quite uncommon but the animal scientists never say it shall never occur....was it the chemicals they were pouring into the ponds and eco-systems earlier that altered my genetic DNA? well, i dunno and i've too much things on my mind alreadi...
anyway, yea...do you know how it feels to be dissappointed and angry and sad that you become a freak...its like the higher you climb the harder you fall. All the other swans reach maturity and they dance and sing gracefully in the pond making swirls and gentle ripples in the water. Sometimes they call out to me to join them, but my ruffled untidy greyish spotted feathers and freakish look of gaucheness made me think i am more of a fool, an unknowing pompous swag.
a swag is what we swans call "swans" that look like and are losers.
pretty harsh thing to say...considering i already told you im a swag myself. but thats the way it is...i seem to have grown an unhealthy pasttime in which i slag myself and torture myself with vocal barbs, tearing at myself....i like to repeat words said by the other swans about me sometimes...though they might not really mean ill-spite or meanness...however i still don't refute them because i myself agree....i am a dirty swan. a loser.
If you wash away the mud, you will find the mutated feathers and pink exposed flesh rotting with pus on me...is that a frightful sight? i myself wonder how a swan can become like me.
Other swans are learning new skills like flying great distances and hunting in algaed ponds but i don't feel like joining them....its no use...whatever i do, im still the swan thing. it is this hopelessness in my situation...that sometimes i just wish to die.
ask any other swan what they would do if they were me...if they had any healthy sense of an ego, they would say "commit suicide" immediately.
maybe at this point of time...you, the ugly little duckling who turned into a great beautiful swan would say to me, "hey , looks are deceiving. appearances do not matter."
sir...you are lying.
do you not remember the time you were a little ugly duckling and you cried with such terrible sadness, looking at your own reflection in the muddy waters, your salty tears dripping into them...
because of this mental torture...i think i behave like a weird swan thing more and more these days...what drearyness.
maybe i shall try to fly tonight....to the north star...i've always told myself, "do not beg...carry yourself with pride...do not be looked down upon by others..."
but maybe...im the one looking down on myself.
but still!
they looked down upon me too! they even laughed and joked!
but still, i regard them as friends?
i hate all swans.
