8:02 a.m. - 2006-05-24
the finest thing i ever had was to cry on command
the finest thing i ever had was to cry on command - on a plain, nirvana
Sometimes I just want to be alone� and when you wake up early in the morning, you�ll find that yea, you are alone.
At 7am, people are still asleep, the sun is just rising up, there is a stillness in the air, but today I wake up early because I can�t sleep any more, I�m not sure why. Of course there�s no need to analyze for reasons, don�t go looking for bones to pick with yourself, don�t keep finding fault and trying to set things right, maybe this is the modern condition, fault-finding.
The traffic noise from the busy early morning expressway intrudes my house. I hate it. It drones, rumbles, like a machine behind my head, with intermittent zoomings and whooshings of motorcycles and various cars, I can�t help but imagine them in my head, these vehicles zooming off down the road, it envelopes everything, you can�t shut it out. The rumbling.
I woke today and made myself coffee, I put the big tablespoon into the jar and dug out some coffee powder and after I poured hot water in, I realized I probably took too much coffee. I think about the effects of too much coffee for a while and then I walked to the front door and collected today�s newspapers, scanned the headlines, troubling news of fire and people in despair, I picked out the leisure pages and read the movie reviews and comics section. I wondered if I would watch a movie with JJ this weekend or drink coffee with her at a caf� instead.
After I read the stuff that were interesting to me, I put down the leisure pages and stared at the main papers. I picked it up and then thought that the news was too heavy for a morning like this, so I put it back on the sofa. A thought came to my head. Nigel mentioned about working early in the morning, how he feels sort of fresh and able to think more clearly, his habit of creating sounds for his freelance jobs in the mornings, and so I thought I would write now.
As I sat down on the computer, this line came to me,
�Sometimes I just want to be alone� and when you wake up early in the morning, you�ll find that yea, you are alone.�
I contemplated being alone and how it feels and why I would want to be alone sometimes.
There are a lot of things I wanted to say but I still can�t say it out. Maybe because I knew I would put this out on the net later. I feel trapped, especially when you can�t say something.
Whatever I�ve been writing, it�s a lot to do with my thoughts about you and how you might be feeling. maybe i'm thinking too much.
...but some things are better left unsaid... and then forgotten.
Just forget it.
