10:26 p.m. - 2010-11-01
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here i am pitching this site again
http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/Iselfhelp.htm
because i've always found it helpful. I'm someone who is prone to anxiety attacks, worry and super low self-esteem.
i can't help but laugh when i wrote "super low". I guess that's a good sign. Being able to laugh at myself.
well, one of the most important thing i've learn from the site is to love myself unconditionally no matter what, and to know that i am capable and responsible to be happy with me, even when i am alone. Especially when i am feeling alone.
i don't know why but i feel super alone sometimes. Maybe that's a result of not initiating activities with others, and thinking that others should initiate activities with me, or it's a negative self-label i've been carrying around. That I can't be happy alone.
but i remember being happy sometimes when i am alone. watching a movie i wanted to watch. playing with my guitar. playing video games back when it was single player. reading a book.
it's been very long since i read a book. partly because reading is a solitary activity and i couldn't stand the book after a while, or maybe because i didn't like the "voice".
i am happy, sort of happy whenever i write here. because i know some of you out there are perhaps reading this. and i like the thought that i do not know who you are and perhaps you do not know me too.
but by reading what i've written, you're sort of knowing me. I hope you get my sadness when i am sad. i hope you understand what i'm saying when i'm verbal diarrhea-ing.
i'm laughing now because i realise i might be writing to myself (in the future) who will be reading this.
i still remember the line that seems to make all things feel okay, "someday we will look back at these and laugh."
okay, now that i'm 30, i do feel scared about my future. i've always wanted to get a car, really. I don't really have any preference for any model but i just like a basic car that i can drive and go anywhere i like and just enjoy cruising silently down an empty highway at night, or just sitting in it with a friend and chatting and listening to our favourite songs.
but the thing is, with my present tv writing job, i'm not very sure whether i can attain my financial goals.
maybe i am impatient. i've worked for 5 years but technically perhaps only 4 months as a tv writer.
i know i have a long way to go but i want to get there fast. i want vacations, i want a car, i want a weekend where i can go out without thinking about work.
maybe that last bit was too much.
i browsed through the job listings a couple of times, every time i looked through, i felt trapped and depressed.
today i read in the papers about this poor girl who had mental illness, she kept hearing voices in her head... which affected her work, her self-esteem, her career... by 29, she was jobless.
but she has just finished writing a book. Through therapy, journal therapy too i think, she found one of those online self-publisher kind of sites and is selling her book there. It was in the Sunday Times.
i think that's really admirable.
i think i must be strong too. i want to thank you guys, my friends, for not giving me negative labels and for giving me support whenever.
when i feel bad about my haywire career
or how i'm sort of getting caught up in emotional tangles of my own doing, i really feel like shit.
but, now this sounds like a commercial,
thanks to that site at the top, i'm seeing that no matter what, i must believe that i can love myself no matter what happens.
i must love myself even when i am not doing as well as i would like to. i must love myself even when no one seems able to. i must love myself even when i have made mistakes in life. Even when i have nothing in life, no title, no money, my self-worth should not be tied to these things.
Self-disgust and self-hate, shame and self-pity. they are negative emotions, negative labels. i hope to be free of them one day. okay la, starting now.
i feel that my job situation is not good. okay i shall change it. i mean it's something i like doing when i can be funny or it's easy when it comes, but when the workload is too much, i kind of panic.
i remember being easy and able to give myself time to think when i was working as a online updater at the games company for 2 years. Was the grass always that green?
i think i shall change jobs again soon. i know i will. okay i shall. Or else i can't stop whining already. I'm so tired of being high-strung all the time.
zen...zen...
ok enough verbal diarrhea. bye.
