1:37 p.m. - 2015-08-08
Love someone
So last night we had the talk. I marvel at how i broached the topic, to open up our feelings about each other. But i guess your eloquence and adeptness at handling feelings with words is better than me. Truthfully, i feel like you are more experienced than me, perhaps because you've been through more heartbreaks than me.
It's not exactly dashboard confessional but phone confessional. Through 4G lines we talked on data plans. But we have different plans for our future. Will plans ever change? But you can keep your old number. But as you said, there's no going back. So what we've said, in our idiocy perhaps, to show all our cards, we can't go back again. Adam and Eve. Once they've gained knowledge, the garden is gone.
You said you wanted children; but me, i don't know. I feel they are a burden to my dreams right now. I still have dreams; you too of course; but then, the future is so unpredictable. you said: you don't know too. there are people who want children but they just couldn't get them.
Are we putting too much pressure on ourselves or our future when we haven't confirmed our feelings for each other?
Perhaps.
Anyway, what can we do now? We can't go back to the past again; going out, teasing each other, watching movies, walking around shopping centres, while time is flying.
but time is always flying. while we are just waiting for that someone to show up.
But i believe you will find happiness. i hope you do. i hope me too. that somehow we'll each find our separate happiness.
you said something poetic: you find that you've been talking about the right things with the wrong people.
you left me some advice: don't be too nice, easily available to others, especially the women you like.
i can't help it. Mr Nice Guy. Shell. My heart on my sleeve. If i want to love someone, i would want to please them.
Are we suitable for each other?
I would like to think not, so that it doesn't feel so sayang. So that it doesn't feel like my efforts have been wasted. Okay, it's not wasted, just futile perhaps.
which feeds my personal theory, if someone likes you, they'll you no matter what you do. you don't have to go out of your way to please them.
I want to scold the guy who told me to put in more effort. That's you Zen. Bloody hell. You'll be getting a call from me one of these days, subject to my whining again.
But anyway, thanks for being calm and rational last night. I don't know if you were just being nice because you were going to reject me, or you were just being really objective and analysing our situation. But you said some nice words, and I think you were honest and you also opened up to me, laid bare your idiosyncrasies and "faults", as did I.
When you said you were glad we had that talk, did you mean you're glad no more time was wasted? I guess we both lean towards that a little. But also, i guess it's nice to just be open and direct, and to have someone reply calmly without being hurtful.
there's this saying... we spend the first half collecting praise and things; and the second half letting go of what is not loving or human.
it's not that you're not loving to me. you are, in your own way. and i believe you would have been loving to me if we had ended up together. In some alternate universe.
but perhaps it's just not the right time. maybe circumstances will change. Surely, they will. And maybe some day, you or I will change our minds. And we'll meet in the middle.
(And spend the rest of our lives together?)
That would be sweet.
