1:47 p.m. - 2015-10-18
On how i might die, but secretly hope not.
It's a stuffy, windless day today, the haze strangling the air.
Work has been brutal and relentless, neverending it seems. I just try to survive each week as it goes. Sometimes I love the characters, sometimes i hate them. The actors. I'm surprised whenever someone in the public thinks the show is great or enjoyed it. I don't, i think.
Somehow, in August I had stopped chasing someone and then in Sept, i was just beginning to start a relationship with someone. Someone whom I'm still with now, in October. Sometimes i feel like breaking up, for dubious reasons, then sometimes it feels good to have someone to be with, to watch movies with, someone who's understanding, and sometimes i feel like i don't know her. I wonder if she feels the same about me - two enigmas. Maybe we'll understand each other when we're honest with each other.
I have a friend in Perth i think about sometimes. She's having it tough. Juggling work, money matters (school fees, hostel fees), and occasional health problems. She asks me to pray for her sometimes, and i do, despite being an atheist - i still wish for divine help and believe in astrology and ghosts and aliens. I ask her to pray for me too.
I wonder what my life will be like in the future sometimes. A lot changes within a year. Even a few months. It's hard to predict. I'd just finished reading a New York Times article about the death of George Bell - an anonymous man who died alone, and through his death, through the distribution of his estate/accumulated savings, we learn who he was close with, who was on his mind, and who was his best friend during the last of his days.
It's true, we probably won't know when we'll die. The exact day or hour. I probably won't know. Or how illness and disease creeps up, behind me silently, until it taps me on the shoulder and i look back and realise it's all been behind me all this while. Each step has been carefully calculated and built on the one before it, like dominoes placed in line, each one tumbling onto the next, tumbling, tumbling, and falling, falling, knocking, knocking, i wish i can outrun them like Indiana Jones and the rolling boulder.
I've had a creeping feeling. Health would be the first to go. It probably won't be an traffic accident if i can help it. It would probably be ill health. Something to do with the bowels or colons. Usage of semi-colons to blame? Haha. but really, it's probably that. Then a slow long drawn process, losing weight, fatigue, i don't even know it, and then the faces and moods of my family and loved ones, my relationship in its baby steps, a life just past 35 - and a medical crisis that will make worthwhile the insurance payments you've been paying for. Not exactly glad about using insurance - I wished i never have to use it. I wish for you too.
okay, time to go. I hope you have a good day today. Do what you like, etc.
