02:16:57 - 2001-02-02
when i was the age
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lecture set by myself
it was like i became another person,i became scared and alone and strangely left out from everything that happened around me.i felt like i was invisible,looking at them at how they talk to each other,how they stare at the words on the OHP screen,listening to the lecturer drone on in her stern voice which softens infrequently and hardens again.i felt like a strange animal,not the me that was before,i felt it hard for the few times it struck me,we are all alone,i feel emotionless as i write this,but i do hope the time will pass quickly and i can go.i stare at the screen and tried to see the words with my short-sighted vision but i can't make out the numbers,her voice speaks on,i don't know what she's talking about,about pendulums and formulas but i can't concentrate,can't concentrate on something i can't grasp,i looked at these words i'm writing,go on....next example,a uniform disc 6 metre attached to...centre of line axis....produced,attached to unifrom rod 3 metre...the rod is not going to be like this...plane of the disc....mass of the disc....that's enough,plane of axis of rotation about the words.on a far planet the voice speaks to me from a radio set i sit on the sofa in a dark room watching the television glowing the room with its light images of children running about in wheat fields and swinging along swings under the trees.
+++++pingpong monkeykong donkeykong do sumpthing great,do sumpthing lasting
do sumpthing lasting gold like youth when you are old.===look down at piece of paper.==writing this down to==pretend that i'm doing something.
it's all one good story to sell,for oney,money.
Lecture set by myself,jenny
jellybean.
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he speaks (ked)
==well,i dunno,that's my new philosophy because it works a lot more times than "love everyone to love myself" which was last week's philosophy and a few weeks before ,it was fuck you which i think is pretty funny ,seems so nihilistic,of course ahaha,pushed by years of reading books about drug addicts and school delinquents and general freaks,i
begin to act like one myself,the child in an old man.
==most days i got nothing to do and all those homework the teachers gave me don't count becos i never liked them cept when they are really interesting,my parents are terribly afraid for me and they used to tell me when i was small that i'd end up as a pitiful road sweeper sweeping leaves by the road one day,i'll be a pauper if i don't study hard;i'll not survive in this society like my father always said,"this society is about paper qualifications,you don't have them? well..."i'll live a bleak life of failure that haunts your every dream,i've got to become a rich yuppie executive like all those rich people with fast cars and women,yeah afford the cars and a big house and all those expensive food and then maybe one day i can fulfill my destiny this way....i'll leave the brotherhood of Hdb living,byebye pigeonholes! ahaha and then upgrade myself to condoes and swimming pools and a pretty wife and my life is made....well what should i do?
==the people in north korea are starving,they are pouring oil into the ocean,they are polluting the air and the whole world is doomed!killing the world and animals with indestructible plastic,super plastic bags can't save us now,multipurpose! they are eating hamburgers and throwing away the extra packets of chilli they so greedily ask for more,fucking up the world with all the genetics that is going around...3-legged chickens and vagina-raped cows are running all overtown to escape their clutches and they are doing a hell lot of science to study but not save and they are probably doing another stupid thing right now...and the whole time i'm thinking the keyword is "they"
yes it's all their fault,we never care==this new philosophy ought to absolve me of any blame and judge,i'm the innocent party,no matter that i joined their party of wasted food thrown around and complaining because i just didn't care at that time,the problem now that everything is global,we can't even be local in our own problems anymore...pls ,i don't want to read another news article unless it's happy.
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gp essay
==well,what am i doing writing this GP essay?
discuss upon the violence of man
comment on the disparity of financial resources spent on solving world hunger and on national weapons.
do you know that the amount of money the world spends on weapons each year can actually help the poor and feed almost all the starving ?you don't?well,now you know,and are you any better?
if they knew of all these problems in the first place when they first started then why haven't they solve them yet?
write this Gp essay?
==for what? to prove to the examiners that i read the newspapers everyday diligently and that i'm
a knowledgable man and if you wish to have a conversation with me about politics and world hunger and religion,i can give you every statistic there is?fuck it.words are mere words,nothing of help if people.....all my responsibility now is to write an essay so that i can pass sufficiently to go to U and start a carreer for myself.
==what do i do?
study the dictionary before i write so that i could squeeze those words in?
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he explains
of course it's all a dream.
i wake up in bed in the dark and i go and piss and then climb back into bed
again.thats all ,next morning,go to sch,life goes on.
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what's a negativecreep?
"i'm a negative creep,i'm a negative creep."
mother comes in and speaks to him as he lies in bed idly reading a storybook.
"son,study hard,this year's exams,got to go to the university..."
===the book falls out of his hands and he starts having spasmodic fits,bouts of water wrecking his chest as he strangles himself and his face turns red and the enemy starts firing bullets away,argh,argh urgh,legs thrash all about,pain of agony subsiding slowly and then climaxing to a horror show with a sudden jerk of all his limbs,straightening-death's last pull on his legs and then he goes limp;eyes staring glassily at the white
ceiling.
=="sigh,don't want to talk to you anymore...."mother walks away flustered.
he gets up half sitting in bed,runs his fingers through his tousled
hair,laughs.
==mother's voice speaks in the faraway background,"look at that son of yours,really don't know how to talk to him."
=="argh forget it,that useless
boy...."father returns to looking at his newspapers.
he walks up to the windows,hands holding the paint-flaked grilles,he stares into the creeping night,misty street lamps light up in the carpark below,a block
of flats silhouetted in this distance...
the sun is setting,the sun is setting,he says to himself feverishly as he quickly went to the door and unlocked it and went downstairs to the park.
==in that small open space,he sees the sky streaking reds and oranges,and a
few clouds turning purple,he tries to see where the sun is setting....
he locates it in the distance,hidden behind a block of flats,he walks hurriedly,have to catch the last rays,along the road untill he reaches the
overhead bridge,and standing there the sky has darkened finally and slowly,he looks at the passing cars and buses below and is mesmerised by the long road that winds through the trees and flats in the direction of the setting sun that is almost sputtering with its last fire.
then he turns back before the last rays have gone and walks back to the house.
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