8:38 a.m. - 2002-01-15
mad monkey dance
This is madness!
i climbed out of the house into the roads below, there is no such thing as a street here, there�s only a road with cars and pitted pavements and wide expanses of void decks and manicured hedges of poisonous red-leafed plants. I enjoy the beat of the sun�s heat, and my rhythmic legs walking steadily, I dun know where to go , I�m just enjoying the sunlight shining down hotly on me, like a masochistic steak burning, there�s a sense of burning away my diseases under this sun. today�s sun is a healer by washing with fire and sweat. I hate sweat, the glistens under my hair on my forehead, the pespiration drips around my chin, the flushness of my skin, I begin to slouch, where earlier I had walked upright and proud, now the sun has done too much, it is starting to kill more than just bugs and bedsores thriving on me, I wipe myself with the backs of my hands and I stare at the ground, watching it go beneath my feet, I�m making ground fast, swallowing all that has passed. I start to play a game, trying to avoid stepping on the fallen dead leaves, tiptoeing or taking giant steps to dodge them. after a while, the game appears silly and I start walking normally again, but not without feeling a sense of unfulfillment every time I crunched a leaf. I wanted to rid the ground of all dead leaves. I started walking towards my void deck. then I really hated my void deck, because it was such a simple solution, and it is also boring, which is the most important element in me hating it. internally I struggled for a way out, I thought I could stand the sun, but it�s burning my eyes; spots of darkness flashing dotting everyone I see. I had meant everything but it came out as everyone, I wonder if this means anything but I cannot stop too long thinking about it because I�m melting and I don�t know if the droplets collecting at my eyes are tears or sweat, the same the same they are salty. I have to close my eyes in a slit and venture forward towards some shade. I lifted my eyes to see my flat looming large in front of me, at the end of the path I was walking on. I hated to return to where I had walked away from. I hated my hate above it all. then I suddenly thought I was just a spectator watching this whole scene unfold itself, I was standing on top of the flat, looking down, at this figure, a dark spot moving in this shimmering heat. I hated the spectator. I hope huge grey clouds would come down and rain on me. like going to bed after a bath.
