11:10 p.m. - 2002-08-09
do you understand the meaning.
confessions of the liar
Barry:
mum found the old plastic doll today. it was wet. becos i dunked it into the tub. she asked me why. i said i sodomised it in hot cum.
i went out with some school fren later. some school fren asked me whether i wanted to do anything. i said i'll do anything. then some school fren said i am always okay with everything. i said thats because i dun want to decide anything. so dun make me slap you.
i told him i once killed a cat. it screamed like a yowl. i dug out the matted fur under my fingernails and dumped the body under a frangipani tree near my flat. thankfully, indian workers who swept the body up into the green plastic bin were not as kind as the sensitive animal-lovers. one dead cat is like the many white flowers on the ground. it has to be cleared.
he looked at me like i had just clubbed a baby seal. i knew he kept a national geographic collection at home full of beautiful sunsets and deserts and gorillas in the forest.
fireworks erupted in the sky. i never saw any, only heard their loud booms. i looked at the revellers sitting at the sidewalk cafes. al freshit. i grip my pocket knife in my pocket. where else would it be?
i saw a nearly nude girl. i stared at her breasts. not knowing what it meant, i thought of changing my sex and masterbating. i saw a bitch in heat once and its vagina was hanging out red and swollen like a fruit. tight white pants and heels that click like my pocket knife. i feel the blade and cut my self a bit on it. the lines are so parallel.
i remember seeing a girl standing beside me on the bus. she had some words carved into her forearm. some guys name. i left her a postcard from geylang with his arse blood to replenish hers. the guy he was gay.
i laughed that time sitting in the pews. i threw the solemn book on the ground, its pages flipped open, words smudged with red poster ink i bought from the school bookshop. i got 13 smacks of the metal ruler for that. later, the punisher got his stupid bmw scratched. his son got kicked in the groin. his wife a rusty needle prick in the supermarket. their dog insecticide-laced meat.
i came home. saw my dad lying on the ground all stretched out. i took the doll and tore its legs off like a chicken wing. the guppies which used to provide so much amusement showed strange smiles when they swam madly in the dettol spilled toiletbowl. three flushes to get the damn bastards gone.
dad. dun get mad at me. you always knew i am not your best hope. i will make you proud of me.
