11:14 p.m. - 2004-01-19
the bends is a radiohead song, naked ambition is a sex film
naked ambition
i dun know if you have these feelings sometimes but sometimes i do. really.
sometimes as i sat on the bus and look out the window at the passing world, i would catch a glimpse of labourers or aircon repairmen or technicians in their blue overalls or noodle sellers or shopkeepers... and then i would wonder what if i hadn't scored well in my exams, i hadn't gone on this A'level route of life, hadn't become the me i am today, would i be leading the same life?
and i mean a total change, you know.
not the me thats like the me i am now.
i mean, i would speak differently, i would walk differently, i would think differently... my friends would not be you, you or you; i probably won't be typing here too.
what is this naked ambition?
its not the latest R(A) sexploitation film starring louis koo.
i mean naked ambition as in a person who on the route to a supposed life of aircon working conditions, has ambitions (or you can call them escapist notions) of doing the menial, non-aircon, sweaty, kind of jobs.
sometimes i really think i should fit there. "fit" you know, like a square peg in a square hole. i thought we could probably switch places. you're more suited to my life than me, i should work in your toil.
what is this...
and what is the meaning...
"wild flights of fantasy of a fortunate kid."
"his insecurities make him a coward to face life's challenges."
"he has no sense of fillial piety or motivation to do better in life."
------------------------------------
a repeat: in the land where nobody grows up, the children try to kill peter pan every night.
this is for peter:
"today i looked at the green pen knife in my pencil box and thought of slicing something. but i am scared of pain.
i wrote down kill my coworkers in my notebook. i hope they dun peep into my notebook while i am away. this is a sick joke. they dun get it. neither do i. some words must be left secret.
i have a death wish. not to be eaten alive or have my dick sliced off and fried by some freak i met on the internet. a death wish to die before cruel sickness take over my body. the body is a rebel. the mind is fighting the body. if the mind kills the body, who wins in the end? suicide is a dirty word in this dirty war.
30 something, 35 to die
thirty somethings thirty somethings.
i believe i'll be mellow then.
sallow and yellow.
say hello and follow.
the crowd and the blokes
in the middle standing out.
say hello and follow.
i believe i'll be mellow.
invisible and against the wall
the corners are sharpened
the bends the bends
no man's land.
thirty five thirty five
i believe i'll be thirty five
the day is fine.
around the bend
i never see around the bend
whats coming up
the corners are sharpened
in no man's land
never knew
whats coming up
but what hit him
was the way it ends.
