10:17 p.m. - 2005-11-09
i dreamt last night of pa
Diary entry 6 Nov Sunday
i dreamt of father, pa, last night.
This is more than 3 weeks since the 100th day ritual.
A dream where i met these 3 ghosts while i was in hospital, looking after someone else. i hid the fact that i have a dead father from them. i dunno why.
Untill the last moment, i asked them, because, i dunno why, and then i head pa's voice in hainanese, saying, "i'm well... that stupid..." He used to say something or someone is stupid. His usual words. i only saw a little of him sitting on the living-room sofa, like a vignette frame effect hiding his upper body in darkness.
I rushed out to see him, wishing he's really back with us, thinking its so real, till i realised we'd burned him and he has no more body left, there is no hope, and i cried out to him. But he disappeared.
i woke up...
i sort of wished that we didnt cremate him. i went to the livingroom and lit 3 sticks of incense.
Today 9 Nov Wed
i'm just back from a job interview after work.
Drew some money from my the atm since i'd gotten my pay, and am giving the money to the family expenses budget.
i told mom that i'd gotten the money and then proceeded to put the money in the glass cabinet. i noticed that my mom had used my father's worn wallet to keep the money. i opened it and placed the notes. Then i held it to my nose and smelled it to see if it smells of my father. Maybe there's his smell since he used that wallet often.
what is the smell?
it smells like standing in a crowded train ride huddling/squatting in pain.
it smells like the fucking hospital.
it smells like a small kid trapped in his father's bed by his father's arms.
thats all it smells.
