10:03 p.m. - 2007-03-09
my ramblings again
rehashing old topics for my own sake
ok, my writing has gone down a lot more than it went up, and so pls take this as another of my nonsensical output, you know, like increase in quantity is proportional to increase in probability of quality
Last night i had a dream about my father, he was sitting on the wooden dining chair in our hall, dressed in his raggy white t-shirt and kaki bermudas, he bent forward a bit and rubbed his shin. i squatted down by his side, i held his back with my right hand and it felt warm, my face close to his body, his usual smell at that time sort of warm and musky, and i looked at his legs, remembering the rough light brown tiny freckles on his skin, and i rubbed it gently, hoping to ease any pain.
did he speak to me? i don't remember.
when i woke up, i thought of several theories:
he might still be around the house, waiting for the right time to go to where souls go.
or it was just my mind...
i remember that i had also dreamt of benny last night. and a few nights before, i had a dream about him too.
strangely he appeared to me the way he was in secondary school. i've forgot what we talked about. maybe we were just hanging around.
later in the morning, when i woke up, i felt a bit sad, but this sadness had kind of dulled over time, i remember one night in bangkok (ha, the song), because of work, i was in the hotel room sleeping by myself, and i was just watching the news about some ship wreck and then i felt sad suddenly, tears welling in my eyes, at the thought of people with loved ones gone.
i was kind of amazed that i cried because i am usually kind of zombie like. some phases of my life are like a blur, where everyday is the same routine, and i dun have other activities in my life besides work and inconsequent things...
maybe life was a blur because i have been too preoccupied by my worries to enjoy the landscape. a constant state of inertia and too much looking inward. i simply give up choices and let time flow, and then lament at the setting of the sun.
i guess i had better do something.
kind of deja vu saying this.
but what are you going to do?
i think i'm going to er... find something to do.
