6:29 a.m. - 2013-03-12
Online dating myself
Hi there�
Hurry hurry slaughter hurry evening bright up the sky.
I'm hungry that's why I woke up at 4.45am. But the other reason is because I was thinking of relationships and how hard it seems.
I think the harder you try, the harder it seems.
That's the first school of thought.
The second school of thought is that there's something wrong with you. Maybe you need to lose some fat, smoothen your skin and get a new haircut. And buy some fitting, slightly trendier clothes that other people are actually wearing on the streets.
I can't sleep.
Tonight.
Why?
I feel like a sad sack. Like the dull coloured passive chameleon in the documentary I just saw today. Two male chameleons when they meet each other, the dominant one will strike an aggressive posture and display its colours while the beta male (the runner up in a competition of only two participants, if you get what I mean) will kinda slouch like a puny lizard and turn dark brown. Like a turd. Like a floater. Like a bird, fly like a bird, drop dead like a bird.
So I haven't told you the reason why.
Online dating.
I think online dating is an activity like window shopping. If you do not put up a good profile pic, people will treat you like shit.
If you put up a decent profile pic, and manage to carry on a proper conversation with someone. You may also soon realise, if you are only talking to one person, that the other person was just there for the attention, or the other person may soon easily drop you for a shinier, new toy.�
(This is from my perspective as a guy, so for girls, i think it would be different. So think for yourselves, if you are a girl. Personally I think girls enjoy a better pick of guys as more guys will approach them and they can pick, like window shopping. For the guys, it's like hunting with a thousand other hunters with better guns.)
Let me give you examples from my recent online dating experience.
It's autobiographical. And should link back to my two schools of thought. The harder you try, the harder it gets. And changing yourself to become more attractive.
So I posted up a pic which I thought was okay, and I started messaging women, starting from the more attractive or compatible (in terms of religious leanings, height, body type, personality, etc). But I think there were zero replies.
So I started messaging women who were fatter, more friendlier, or looked kinder. Intermittent replies.�
So I decided to be more witty and playful by creating brief, individual messages to women who say they want witty or funny men to write to them. I don't think any replied. Maybe it was not funny or interesting enough to warrant a response.
One girl I had a conversation with went like this:
Me: (something nice about her profile)
Her: hello
Me: hey hi, how are you?*
Her: good.
Me: so what do you do for a living?
Her: work lor.
As you can see, I'm beginning to detect a sense of passive aggressiveness or bear baiting here, and I'm the bear.
After a while, I decided to end the conversation. And I started to wonder why these people even reply. A non-reply seems better now. The correct answer is they are simply not interested, or they have some problem with their attitude.
*i will tell you more about my How Are You? question in future. Well how about now, basically, sometimes when people ask you how are you, it's an invitation. If I ask this sincerely to my friend, i am basically inviting them to tell me how they honestly feel, and if they have any problems, they are free to share with me and I shall listen and support them. I might give advice if it seems okay. Some how are you questions are different of course, depending on the situation you meet your friend. So anyway, that's my how are you question... Feel free to ask me, and well, I'll pour out my troubles to you like a sad sack. And I promise I won't wallow too much in self pity and I gladly welcome wake up my idea calls to get myself motivated and feeling in control of my life again. Thank you.
Then I thought about it and decided to change my profile pic to one of myself with shorter hair from a year ago. Suddenly, more women started visiting my profile page and replies and even introductory messages trickled in. I said trickled in, not flooded in okay, I'm not narcissistic okay.
People seemed interested and interesting.
I tried to reply to all (less than 10, it's not that many), no matter if they didn't seem that great in their profile pic.
Because I remembered how I was probably deemed ugly and ignored in my previous profile pic. So now I wanted to be kinder to others and to know them better before judging them based on their looks.�
So I answered everyone. Including the monosyllabic girl I had talked to in my example conversation above. It seems that she was more interested and enthusiastic to share her life now. Although her sentences were still short, like they belonged in character-constrained smses than letters.
I also replied to a woman with no profile pic. I thought what the heck, just get to know people you shallow person.
So anyway, what happened:
Mono girl - She seemed interested and responsive. I replied a bit, being more cautious now (like a girl I must add), because this doesn't seem like a considerate person I want to be with. So anyway, after a few messages, the conversation ended. I think I was trying to analyse her personality and her change in interaction towards me and she knew that.
Girl with no profile pic - we exchanged some ordinary small talk messages about our occupations etc, and I thought, okay maybe I should ask her abt her profile pic after all. I mean it's a dating website and if you want to be serious, you will eventually meet in person anyway. So I asked, and she eventually sent me. And I decided that this would not lead in a romantic direction. So I told her I wanted to rest and ended the chat conversation.�
I wasn't sure what I should do. Should I pretend and continue to have a conversation with her and then slowly dissolve away by replying messages in uninterested, monosyllables and hope she gets the hint? What if she doesn't?�
The next day, I decided that instead of ignoring her or keeping her waiting, I would just be upfront with her and I said as gentle and as tactful as I could: that I think she's a nice person but I do not think this will lead in a romantic direction. And I didn't want to lead her on. And we can still be friends, and she's welcome to write to me about her life.
Then she replied. I was surprised. She said hey man chill it's okay and she was very easy-going and blas� about it like its no big deal. So I was surprised and relieved and admired her ability to take this - not that a rejection from me is grounds for ending her life or bawling like a baby. Anyway, yes, so I told her I'm glad and well, the conversation ended. She never took up my invitation to write to me about her life, and I think that's that.
Now, armed with my shiny new profile pic, and several messages from women, I feel happy and welcomed in the online dating world. But also a bit disturbed... Even though yes it's natural since its dating anyway and you should choose someone who you are attracted to... And even I myself was guilty of that. But hey, I was being human and open to her about it. Okay I shall stop defending myself and just let u judge for yourselves, if I am being hypocritical.
Okay anyway, I chatted with this girl. Her profile pic wasn't that great, but according to the stats, she was slim and tall, and we had a 90% match in terms of the matching algorithm of the website. The conversation seemed good, like there were smileys and she asked questions (usually its always me asking, if the girl is not interested.) so this seems going well.�
So I asked for her Facebook profile, because I wanted to see how she looked like, because her profile pic was quite small to see the face clearly. So we exchanged. And mind you, Facebook has more photos of ourselves right. So I saw her photos, she saw my photos. And my recent photos were not of that dating profile photo kind of photogenic quality.
Her Facebook photos were better than her dating profile pic, I'm not sure why she didn't put those up. Maybe in some twisted logic of humans, we all have this fantasy that our true loves will not judge us for our looks, will look past our faces and bodies, and love us based on our interesting characters. So we purposely put up ugly profile pics (like the first one I may have unconsciously put up, but it's a more recent pic of myself!), in order to drive away those shallow people.
But well, we forget that although we do not want our true love to love us for our looks, we usually fall in love ourselves with others based on their looks.�
So we are our own enemies when it comes to dating. Because if you only want to fall in love with someone you find attractive at first glance, �this probably never works, unless you are really attractive, like hollywood grade. Go for someone average looking. Note to self.
So the conversation with this girl went awry and monosyllabic like the girl I talked with above. She didn't ask me any questions about my life and she only gave short basic answers. I decided to cut my losses. But I also felt a bit disappointed honestly. But never mind, even though our match % was high, I don't feel a connection to her. The maths are incorrect, love cannot be measured by such logical systems. I consoled myself.
Then later on, as I was wallowing in self pity over these wasted connections with people, a girl messaged me. She was okay-looking and she said some interesting things which responded with what I posted on my profile. So she seemed intelligent and nice. I mean she is, I'm sure.�
So we exchanged many fast and furious messages that night. We had many things in common, like we liked and knew about some pop culture stuff, so to someone like me, who usually likes a partner who likes the same things as me, I felt wow, online dating you have answered my prayers! Just when I was going to give up, this girl came along! She's smart, she works in the media too, and after exchanging Facebook, wow she looks decent too, even attractive in some photos.
Then on day 2... Things seemed different. Messages are slower not, she took longer to respond, maybe she was busy, I told myself.
But she was still as engaging as before. She didn't give monosyllabic answers. So maybe this is a plus.
But at the back of my mind, I knew it.
This would not end well.
I am a pessimist I know that.
But I just have some feeling, a sixth sense. Luckily I can't see dead people. I can still joke at this so you think I'm not affected, but trust me, I'm typing this at 4 plus am to 610am now. I have to type this out to feel better, I think. Journaling helps me list down my fears and thoughts so I can see them as just plain anxieties.
Anyway, why do I say that this will not end well?
Because even though she's engaging in her conversation, she just might be the kind of person who is engaging to everyone in her life. She's just friendly and cheerful and likes to talk to people and make friends. because she's bored.
Okay valid reason that. I am sometimes bored too and would like more friends myself. So this worry is unfounded anyway.
Alright, second thing... I think I'm being foolish again. Giving my 100%, replying to messages fast, trying to impress her by introducing all the things I think are cool and I like to her. So it's overwhelming and is a turn-off.
I can't help myself. I haven't even met her and yet I'm investing these emotions and time.
But I know, if we do meet, my feelings for her will change.�
I say if we do meet, because if she's not interested, she can stonewall me with slower responses and one-sided conversations where basically the whole conversation is about her life and I'm the interviewer asking questions in The Show About Her.
I say my feelings will change, because I only believe this - you only become real friends and can develop the relationship after you meet each other in person.�
Anything before that is just... Just molecules bumping into each other.
Love can only develop over time, being sincere and being less judgemental about a person's looks.
But unfortunately, the first think that will attract others is your looks. And vice versa.
So I have to my some changes to my lifestyle and appearance soon. I don't really know how. Whether I am a person who can pull off a certain look.
And before you tell me, hey why make a change for others? Why should you change yourself to suit others? Thats not real love.
I'm telling you this: I don't think I'm happy with myself. I can't change this feeling... I think when we are in love, when someone loves us back, we feel validated. That we are not as terrible people or losers as we thought.
So right now, if I'm not feeling happy, I have to do something about it. It's much better than wallowing in self-pity and sitting around.�
Do something... Okay we shall see. I have to fight the inertia to remain the same.
What other advice for myself?
Oh yes, I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket again. Don't be too enthusiastic or give yourself totally to someone before they even respond equally. I'll just be selling myself as a freebie, and well, people love freebies but they don't treasure it. Treat my heart as a treasure. Only give it to close friends, family and people who are nice to me. Love them more.
The others, the online dating, they can wait.�
By the way, I've disabled my profile at the online dating site again. I feel that because of online dating, I don't view people positively although I understand why they behave that way. Maybe a little break will help me stabilise my emotional balance, and be less misanthropic.
If you ask me, I like writing these kind of things more than scriptwriting. Okay, they are different things anyway.
