11:14 a.m. - 2014-01-13
i will try to forget, maybe time will heal things.
i think last night was one of the worst nights of my life - i think the worst nights of my life i have always been alone, unable to sleep with my head in a mess over troubled relationships.
i hope there's a way out. Because sometimes it hits me behind the eyes. i think back to the moments i spent with j, the memories, her smile, her quietness, her nod of her head, her gentle demeanor. i feel sad.
i also feel sad because i'm asking her to love and accept me which is something you can't ask for. You can't ask for love. I mean you can try, but it just won't happen.
sometimes i think back to the days before the talk, how she's appreciative of me, how she would message me within the day just to tell me little bits about her life, how her colleague bought her a muffin and she's so happy to eat it, the time she asked me to join her company event - a movie screening, the time she sent me photos of her shopping spree in bkk. i think back to those times and i wished i could go back there again.
last night, i don't know how but i survived it... the worst night, possibly, okay i hope it's the worst, i don't want to go through it again.
so i'm trying to stop myself from contacting her now. To not be a nuisance, to stop asking for her attention, time and love.
i don't know what else to do. to just talk to friends about this. to pretend that nothing happened. and just try to move on.
i don't know why i still want to hold on to some sliver of hope.
it feels so terrible.
but don't worry... i think i will be okay. just have to live from moment to moment, one day and one night at a time.
i will try.
