11:19 p.m. - 2014-03-30
true love will find you in the end or I still think of J
i am clearly still sad over J.
Just now on the train home, my thoughts just rolled like the waves... Will i continue to be sad like this until I'm 35?
What if my "prediction" that i might die or end my life when I'm 35, comes true? Because of all these turmoil.
Turmoil, that's the word.
I thought, what happens if i die? If i meet god, how will he sum up my life?
What is the meaning of life?
To serve others... to love our family, to serve them.
I thought of my father, as i walked home through the park. How he served my family, and how he passed away.
I thought about the heartache and pain i'd caused to others, and how I deserve this heartache myself now.
I wanted to serve her. But no, it fell apart.
i started crying. I also don't know why i love her so much.
It's a bit dramatic i know. But i wasn't bawling, i was just tearing. Nonetheless, it's a release.
i've been trying to get over her by meeting new people and going out. But i think it's not working. I still think of her, i wonder how is she, i haven't seen her for more months, how is she?
What does she look like now?
Maybe it's all in my mind. It is.
I think i need friendship more than love right now. As i sum up my hobbies and weekends to someone, i realise i don't have anyone to meet in the weekends now. Except L, but he has his own life too. I can't rely on only him.
i shall try to change my mindset. Make more friends with the intent not of finding a relationship, but of friendship.
In the shower, i thought of some ideas for a television show or book.
An anthology of heartbreak stories. About how love fell apart in the myriad of ways and reasons.
A series about Love personified. But instead of Cupid, this is a god of love who shoots wrong arrows. She is the sister of Cupid. She makes people fall in love with the wrong people. She makes heartbreaks.
I thought of Death Note. Maybe this is Love Note. She has a database of people who fall in love with the wrong people. If you can hack that database or access it, you can find out what happens to your love life. Even manipulate it.
But i hope, as Daniel Johnston sings it... True love will find you in the end.
