10:04 p.m. - 2017-07-15
So i am deciding what to do for my next job, and it became a rant about my old job
Hey there, so this week will be the end of my 'escape', i'm finishing my web development course at AC and will have to start looking for a proper job. I think it might take about a month? Depending on my luck...
Most importantly, I don't know what I'm going to do for a job, actually.
I know what I don't want though... or rather i have a mental list of don'ts, and a cloud of fears inside my mind about the future. And as usual, i decided to come here to write it out so that i can think about it and see what direction i should take.
this period reminds me of the time when i was adrift, well there were several periods, when i was out of a job and i didn't know where to go next.
i know this sounds confusing... i admit that my mind seems to have become dulled and my thoughts a jumbled mess over these years. Is it natural atrophy?
anyway, yes, i'm finishing the course at AC. We're working on a project, a chatbot that comforts people when they are sad. Maybe that will take off and i'll have a job myself. But realistically speaking, ideas are just ideas, it's the execution that matters... So i have a feeling we (me and teammates) might be lacking in that area... I'll really have to read my self-help book, that one called 'How to be Happy' and try to apply that into the chat program.
You know, that book really helped me. I'm not kidding. It's just a little book i bought from Popular bookstore years ago and it contains stuff like cognitive behavioural therapy and positive thinking, and de-exaggerating your worries/fears/self-blame - well, just calming yourself and taking a different perspective on things.
It helped me but i only vaguely remember its material now. My lasting impressions were that you should keep a mood journal to track your mood(down or up on a scale of 1-10) and why - so that over time, you can review what activities cheered you up, what activities/thoughts brought you down, and then you can see a conscious pattern of your thoughts, and start taking action to change your life.
Like for example, when you start thinking about how useless/unsuccessful you are, you recognise that you've been having such thoughts over several days, and that's a pattern. A pattern you can change. Or else you're going to continue thinking that way (without realising) for years.
Another great tip from that book is about treating yourself better. Like how you would treat a good friend. You have to take care of your own needs. You can't neglect yourself and eat unhealthy junk and wish yourself dead.
okay...
so anyway... yeah I have to find a way to write those things into the chatbot.
but that's not what i'm here for.
Well, yeah im supposed to talk about my thoughts, what's been circling inside my mind for a while, since I quit my job and took up this boot camp, i've been really busy and spending time learning web development and servers and databases - you know, all those important business/behind the curtains of economy and business shit. Really, computers rule our world behind the scenes.
so what are my problems?
let me list it out so that i can see it clearer:
1. jobless
2. don't know what to do next. What job should i find? Copywriting/advertising? (no... i dread the pitching and demanding clients.) TV writing? (i left the broadcaster... i don't think there's any local house that has a constant flow of scriptwriting jobs, and do i really want to continue writing? Im not sure...well let's find out. by considering why yes and why no.
3. The question is should i seek employment as a scriptwriter elsewhere, and the obvious follow-up question is where?
But wait, let me digress, because a brilliant thought just came to mind. haha.
Quitting a job you used to like (love is too strong a word maybe; on the other hand, love is exactly delusional, so it may have been love at some point), is like breaking up.
You're not sure if you'll ever meet someone(i mean job) like that again.
And when you're the one doing the breakup or quitting, you sort of have to break the news gently to your boss, not blaming anyone directly for it (it's not you, it's me), and positing other reasons for breaking up - i'm not the right one, i'm not as good for it, etc. All opposing reasons from when you were interviewing for the job years ago.
I don't know if i've mentioned it before, but yeah, i felt like i was breaking up with my boss when i told her i was leaving.
why did i leave anyway?
I left because i felt that i was given the short end of the stick. i felt that i was suffering, and yes i was suffering, from depression from going to work and not knowing if i can complete my work every day, every day not knowing what time i'll go home. Certainly not on time but later.
I wasn't alone of course. I still remember, H, FM, J. I remember feeling really at home with them and being able to talk about anything with them without judgement and really laughing every day, just enjoying the banter with them during lunch time, etc. At the same time, we were writing and coming up with stories and beats, and just trying to come up with stories every day, every week, every month. It was a cycle of feeding the monster. Constant deadlines. Rejections from our bosses and rewrites were common.
Over time, a feeling of dread crept in, and it gradually became about trying not to be upset about working late or working over the entire weekend, just sitting at home facing the computer trying to drag out a story. It was literally a struggle believe me, because it's not as easy as just writing a story. How do i explain it to you?
Imagine point A - a couple dissatisfied with their marriage. Now you have to write a week's worth of stories about them, and the end point isn't them breaking up their marriage, that's too soon. Reason: Real married couples don't break up within a week. Stay true to life. Write out what happens to them within this week... what kind of actions/complications happen between them, bearing in mind they should be proactive and not just reactive.
Okay, so they can't break up by the end of the week. Can they have a cold war perhaps? Okay. What else? Is that enough material for 3 eps? Do we want to see 3 eps of a couple having a cold war? What else?
Okay, how about they have a cold war and they're ignoring each other, but their child has an important event school or crisis or something that forces the couple together, and they are forced to break the ice and cooperate and eventually make up again. Fair idea, but have they solved the real underlying problem in their marriage? Real life doesn't happen like that. The dissatisfaction remains, and you have to continue playing this story... and bear in mind that the next time the couple quarrel again, you cannot bring in the child again to help them make up. That's a plot device that's already been used, and the viewers can recognise it, unconsciously or not, and yeah, so come up with something new to show the couple's marriage breaking up, and yeah, it should move the story along too... like 20 eps later, are they still in this stasis? What has changed? Something must change.
But yeah, real life isn't like this. Sometimes after 20 days, the couple is still the same. Just pressure building up in some way. But hey, you've got to be entertaining, and something must change, but in a realistic way, to this couple. She discovers she's pregnant? Sure! But wait a minute, do we want to bring in another baby on the show? We already have a couple with a baby. So no, she can't be pregnant. How about a miscarriage? Okay sure. It changes their situation, etc.
So yeah, that's the idea. It's a constant juggle of the thin line between what's realistic/real life (your perception of it anyway) and what's progressing the story of the couple. And also juggle production/budget constraints, and also the actors' schedules.
Like the actor tells us in advance that they want to go on holiday, so we check our storylines, see if we can write the actor out of the show during that time, like say he went to reservist or some business trip. But, repeat after me, it has to be realistic.
Okay, do i sound like im complaining too much? Does this sound interesting to you perhaps? I think i just haven't told you about other things that just tick me off about the industry - like gov guidelines (no corrupt/inept police force), industry boards (like for e.g. the Singapore Medical Council, you can't fudge their process of how complaints against doctors are handled) and the amount of research that has to be done - like if you're writing about cancer, you have to research what kind of cancer is it, what's the logical/correct treatment for that kind of cancer, and i tell you, once you start researching, you'll come to a situation of: wow, so much medical jargon, and wow there's a few treatment options for this cancer, but which one should I choose? I'm not really a doctor, so i should go talk to a real doctor, because i don't want to portray it wrongly. So you go and find a doctor to talk too, some of them are really nice and willing to help despite their busy schedules (and it's unpaid).
Now you may tell me, why not make this information up? Well, because your boss wants you to do it accurately so that viewers won't write in to complain. (Assuming that a doctor is among your viewers, and this doctor knows about the latest cancer treatments. And also assuming that this doctor has the same medical opinion/treatment to take for the patient as your source.)
And all the while, you have tight deadlines, several storylines to write and rewrite, etc etc.
So over time, we the storyliners became stressed out and i still remember this funny moment when J said she wished that a plane would crash into our building and just fucking kill all of us. I laughed at that deathwish, feeling the exact same way. It was that stressful.
So fuck, why did i type out such a long spiel rant about that job? You probably can't understand how bad i felt at that time. Just bear in mind that i haven't told you about other microaggressions in the office, like constantly being interrupted from your work by other colleagues legit have questions to ask, etc. But it's just that they don't understand how stressed we felt and don't see that they are hindering us from doing our work so that we can leave on time. They're not doing the same work as us, so they can leave after doing their stuff, while we are staying back to clear our stuff.
So yeah... sigh...let out a breath, my teammates left after enduring for about 1.5 years. Late nights. Burnt weekends. I felt depressed after they were gone. i felt responsible too. i was the most senior in that team and i was supposed to guide them and encourage them, but sometimes i was complaining alongside them and contributing to the negative mood.
They were all fresh entrants to the industry, and when they quit, i don't think any wanted to continue being in this industry, if this experience was an indication of how it treated its own people.
i felt disillusioned about the job and the industry as a whole. Considering how controlled our media is, and how we depend on state funding so we literally can't afford to offend the powers. I'm not even talking about the smiling-faced MPs, just the anonymous civil servants/policy-makers/administrators/middle-and-higher managers, etc. And the sad state of the market - where no one watches local tv, well not the local English-channel seriously anyway.
And the rude people even within the industry/company who belittle the scripts/stories - who think that writing stories is easy because you just sit in the office and think of illogical shit. Who are these people? Some are production assistants/assistant directors. Well okay, yes some stories are illogical and forced, but do you think we want that? We have to consider budgets, censorship, actor's schedules, acting abilities, etc too. Just pre development work. But it's work, and it's not really that easy. We just hope you can consider that we are not that stupid to write illogical shit, but sometimes we are forced to do it. (not necessarily by the gov).
so yeah... another sigh again.
just let me pour out to you how i feel...
So the answer is will i go back to scriptwriting again, for tv, knowing that these are some of the obstacles (still got others like pitching if you're in production houses) I will face.
i don't know man. Am i really passionate about the work? Do i enjoy it? Do i enjoy writing scripts and dialogue? Putting myself in a zone, imagining im this person, feeling this way in this situation, what would i say, etc? Being two characters at the same time within a scene?
i don't know man. There were about 2 or 3 times, just 2 or 3 times maybe, where i cried at what i wrote, where i imagined how the characters felt, and i cried a bit because of their sad situation. It's silly yes. But then at other times, i feel dispassionate about the work, like it's just a job - because you are just not impressed by what you see - the end product. Maybe i'm just critical about it, but i'm sure other writers are too actually, that's why we seldom watch what we've written. It's just different from the ideal version in our minds.
When i entered the company 5 years 4 months ago, i thought that i would be there until i retire. It had good benefits, great people, and the work/job was my dream job. But now, i feel burnt out and should i say disillusioned or not as passionate anymore.
i feel that what's showing on local English tv isn't realistic at all. Even though i've told you about the pains we go to be realistic, but you know what? Everyone speaks nice English on channel 5, and no Singlish, and nobody is really poor. Everyone's middle class with some trivial first world problems. There's no corrupt CNB/ICA/Police officers. Nobody in authority does anything bad. The races are all living in harmony. Muslims never marry someone of another race/faith. You seldom or never see someone praying in church/temple/mosque or in their homes. They are all atheists or hiding their religions - it's as unnatural as they are nipple-less humans. Nobody's gay too. Or transgender.
Some of the above are because of gov guidelines, some are because of the producers/writers who make content decisions.
I'm sure there's other things/stories to write, like romance, relationships, family drama, the stuff you are seeing now, etc. But i have to recognise/admit that it's not entirely realistic even though we push so hard to be realistic on other fronts.
4. Should I become a teacher. Like lecture about tv scriptwriting or media production, since i have that experience. But my fear is i suck at public speaking and articulating and explaining things to others. I just become a mess and spout messy stuff.
Another concern: considering my disillusionment with the local media, how can i go to a class of young people and tell them - like hey, this is how the industry suck and how your ideas/ideals will get crushed by the gov and society and nobody watches what you write/direct anyway. And maybe you don't even watch it yourself, if you are critical about your work enough. haha.
Then again, maybe these info would be useful to them... like i could just tell them to be careful and nurture them to experiment more and write more daring stuff, and hope that they will change the industry in future.
All while at the back of my mind, i've given up on this writing stories thing and am just trying to make a living.
I think that's quite disingenuous. How do i face myself, putting up a front to them?
Maybe i dont... i still remember a funny teacher (Seah) who taught me scriptwriting, and he's really a brilliant writer with funny dialogue, and he also ranted about the MDA/gov every time.
okay, so if i can think this way, i will be able to try to find a job in teaching media/scriptwriting.
4? or 5? Forgot what number are we now. Anyway, yes... maybe i will teach. Choose a role model in Seah and try to teach.
Make a mental note to search and apply.
5. But i've just learnt web development... paid like 2k and spent 3 months learning about code and servers and all those impressive technical stuff haha. Algorithms etc.
Im scared.
i don't know if the web development industry is my cup of tea. Im scared it will turn out like my stint in advertising, like demanding clients, and there's a lot to learn in tech, really really a lot because there's always new frameworks, new syntax, new languages, new tools, and you have to be patient/persistent enough to solve bugs in your work, and figure out how to do things - by googling and trying to apply other people's solutions to your own situation. It's really tough. Do i want to be in that situation?
I really have to be honest about myself and access my own abilities. I think i can solve other computational problems (it's like playing with algebra actually, and like just using vocab as tools - the more vocab about a language you know, the more tools you have), but i think i am a slow learner when it comes to frameworks (like rails, etc). Because i feel scared to break things, and my memorisation of domain-specific-language/syntax isn't good.
When i encounter bugs in my work, i am persistent enough to spend hours trying to solve it, but compared to some of my course mates, they are able to debug it faster. And somehow, biased or not, i feel like the machine isn't listening to me like murphy's law. They listen to the smarter ones in my course lol. I get discouraged and feel a setback, and then i find out it's a careless error like missing syntax or some configuration settings.
So yeah, not sure if that's a sign from the universe telling me not to pursue web dev. Plus, i am quite old, and i didn't study engineering last time, so dev houses/companies might not want to consider me for interview even.
But okay, maybe i should just give it a try. Aim for an interview and see how i fare. Tech interviews are really different from other jobs, like you have to go through rounds, the first one being a coding test to see if u have the chops.
Advertising used to have something similar too, which is ridiculous. not all ad companies, but some fuckers.
okay... so i've narrowed down my mental list of things to do next, specifically in the job-hunting area.
I still havent decided where to be a developer, and i seem to be leaning towards being a teacher? but really i need to up my presentation/formal speaking skills to teach English/scriptwriting.
so okay this is what i'll do, after like 3 hours of typing these thoughts out.
1 - work on my chatbot tomorrow, make it more natural and empathetic.
2 - work on my tech resume/my online site. Just add some simple posts about my projects.
3 - start seeking employment in teaching media and tech... I seem more excited about teaching media for some reason, and a bit scared about tech. But i should still apply for both, go for tech interviews for the experience.
So the order for tmr will be 2,1,3.
I also have to go gym and exercise in the morning.
