9:52 a.m. - 2017-09-15
to be or not to be
defining my fears:
- fear of getting older and less employable
- fear of earning less, not enough savings for housing, food, leisure/holidays, retirement with spouse
- fear of not being good in writing, mediocre
- fear of not being good at other things, teaching, public speaking, social awkwardness, inability to communicate and express ideas verbally
- fear of landing a lousy job which pays shit and is a deadend job
- fear of being looked down or pitied for not having achieved financial or notable success in life
- fear of being less than average
- fear of working long hours, unable to take holidays, trapped doing work i suck at or struggle a lot to produce
- fear of the pain of growth
- yet also fear of the pain of being stagnant
- fear of letting myself down, seeing how I gave up on different pursuits, have I given up on them too early?
- fear of missing out (fomo) on opportunities
- fear that i missed out on my only chance to go back to my safety/comfort zone in my old job. the safety and comfort of relatively good pay, benefits/holidays, and familiar colleagues
- fear of making the wrong important decisions in life. Should i ask to go back to my old job? Should I try a new job?
- Yet why did i leave? i left because i couldn't take the same work project, i felt disillusioned by the too-demanding hours and standards expected of the work, by the lack of understanding about the difficulty of the work, by the perceived unfairness of other colleagues having it easier.
I felt burnout by the constantly eventful lives of the characters in the stories, things happening but is it meaningful? I felt no rest, no time to think about the work. I felt that's wrong, to keep producing but not having the time or space to think about the direction of where we're heading, what's not good, what can be improved? No time to think.
There's a possibility that if i go back, since I'll be working on other projects, I'll be spared the constant time-rush and super heavy work load. That's good. I want to try new things, new projects. Really different projects. I want to feel excited about what I'm working on. And not feel that I'm just working for working, for the fat paycheck, although that really helps. To buy stuff to entertain or fulfill me in other ways.
But i need to look at it critically... Do i feel creative? Or do i feel the restrictions have stunted me, admit that i've willingly become lazy, that i can't resist actually, but to submit to censorship, to do something that is not, that is their vision of what life should be, but not a good story, not a good representation of how i see the world... mainly i see the world as fucked up by fucked-up people who would lie and cheat, make use of other people. That goodness is being taken advantage of. The weak must become strong. Push back and stand your ground.
i don't know. I'll just go for the interview later and see how it goes. See what doors are open to me.
